Coming Back

I logged into Ghost today for the first time in a long time.

Not to write, but to look around, and because I felt like it was time.

And when I did, I realized I had not posted here since last fall...

For a moment... I felt guilty.

Like I had started something and simply walked away...

Like I had abandoned another project yet again.

But the more I thought about it... the more I realized that is not what happened...

Last Fall

Last fall feels like a lifetime ago, and as my late grandma would always tell me...

"Sometimes life happens... and you just get busy."

And that's exactly what happened.

Last fall my grandma passed away, just right before Thanksgiving.

And although I knew it was coming, it didn't make it any better.

In a dimly lit room at the caretaker's house, someone in Southeast Portland, Oregon, she took her last breath.

And I wasn't there that night.

A lot has happened since then.

We welcomed another baby into our family, and things have been hectic.

Life has its ways of rearranging what it wants for you.

There were days when creating felt impossible, because I couldn't stop crying.

Nights.

When all there was, was darkness.

Nights when I just stared at any source of light I could see.

Hoping and wishing I could see her face one last time.

Some days when just getting through the day felt like enough.

When getting out of bed felt like it was enough.

Grief Takes Up Space

When my grandmother died, a lot of things stopped.

Not because I stopped caring.

Because grief takes up space.

More space than people realize.

It changes how you think.

How you work.

How you spend your time with those around you.

There were moments when I wondered if I would ever feel creative again.

It wasn't because I wanted to quit.

I was just tired.

I was just grieving.

And life was asking me to carry too many things.

But I knew this would never last.

I knew I would start again.

She Always Believed In Me

Because she always believed in me when no one else did, so I can't let go now.

I can't give up.

I must go on, and I must keep doing the things she told me would make me happy.

She always reminded me.

Every single time she saw me.

To keep writing.

And you see, my grandma understood me most.

Deep down inside.

To the soul.

The warmth.

Those drives where English lessons were taught from inside a white Toyota Corolla.

She knew me so well, and when I look back, I can see.

She saw me way before I saw myself.

Slowly Creating Again

Lately, I have been creating again.

Writing. Filming videos.

Working on Sao's Legacy, and my book.

Building Sao's Animal Kingdom, and its online archive of animals.

Trying to build things one piece at a time. Slowly...but deliberately.

And although I still suck... And don't know what I am doing.

I keep creating anyway. Some of my videos only have a handful of views.

Some have almost none.

In fact, my Legacy channel has two subscribers. Just two.

Why I Keep Building

More importantly...

I am building something I wish I had more of from the people I loved.

From the ones who went ahead.

A record. A library.

A collection of stories, lessons, mistakes, memories, and most importantly moments. A time capsule of sorts.

Something my children can look back on one day when I am gone.

And just like my grandma. They will have footsteps and trails...

That they can follow to learn more about their father.

Something that says:

Dad was here.
This is who Dad was.
This is what he Believed.
This is what he Learned.
This is how he Loved.
And this is how he started his Legacy.

That is what matters to me.

I do not know exactly what this site will become.

I do not know how many people will read it.

And I do not know if it will grow or die...But I do know one thing...

I will keep writing until I can't write anymore.

RGB keyboard in the darkness.
Mouse plugged in and charging.
Letters tapped from memory onto the screen.

Why?

Because someone beautiful once told me when I was nine...
And only three years into this country...

That: I had a gift.

And although I wasn't fully fluent in the English language yet.

I knew how to use writing as a tool.

A tool to communicate.
A tool to reach people.
A tool to carry my feelings when my voice couldn't keep up.

That was 30 years ago...and although she is no longer here with me...
I think about her every single day...

But from here on out... she will live through me and my kids...

Still Searching

My grandmother used to tell me:

"Never stop searching till you find exactly what you are looking for."

I have now come full circle.

Back to that hill somewhere in Southeast Portland looking toward Mt. Hood.

Back to where it all started...

But to a time...when a beautiful lady...saw a broken child...and decided he was worth saving...And put every ounce of her love into his soul.

Thirty years later... here I am standing on that hill staring at Mt. Hood.

Wind blowing on my cheeks.
Clouds moving slowly above.
Faint tulip smells hidden somewhere near.

This time alone...But for the first time in my life...I am not alone.

So maybe this post is not about returning to Ghost.

Maybe it is just a reminder to myself.

Keep going when there's no close destination.
Keep building when there are no plans to help you build.
Keep making videos even when people don't watch them.
Keep writing on those days where there's no one reading.
Keep loving my children every single breathe I take.

Always keep searching even when you don't know what you are looking for.

One post at a time. One video at a time. One memory at a time.