I must see the full picture...

For the past four months, I have been struggling with my time management—and figuring out what I truly want in life, especially when it comes to my career and my purpose. But yesterday, as I lay in bed tossing and turning, unable to sleep, and thinking of my deceased grandparents whom recently left this world. I stared at my baby child lying next to me. And in that quiet moment, I discovered a part of what true patience looks like.

Here I was, thinking about all the things I’m missing. How I haven’t had the time to do anything else but watch over my child and care for his every need. And then I realized—maybe I’m thinking too much. Because as long as I am moving, learning, making mistakes, and pivoting toward my goal, then I am doing good.

You see, this thing called life? It is not a sprint. It is a marathon.

And I must keep reminding myself that I am not flawless. I will fall. I will toss and turn. And life will throw curveballs. But I must zoom out and see the big picture. How many hours of my life will I truly have with this beautiful child that I brought into this world? He’s already one. And each year, he’ll grow—bigger, stronger, more curious. And one day... he’ll leave. He’ll move out. He’ll chase his own dreams. And I won’t see him as much as I’d like to. AND then I would wish I should have spent more time with him.

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” – Buddha

I MUST REMEMBER:
My main purpose in this life is to be the greatest day that I can be to my children.
And THIS IS IT.
I must spend my best time, my highest energy, and my most intentional self to help them grow into the best version they can be—
Because I never had that opportunity.

And through hell and high water, I promise myself:
I WILL DO THIS FOR THEM.
Especially for their sibling, who never had the chance to live in this world.
I must carry their memory, and their light, into every step I take forward.

I must remember this.
And I must keep pushing.

So what if four months have passed and I haven’t produced any videos? and reach my YouTube goals and dreams?
I spent those four months with my children—loving them, guiding them, fulfilling their needs.
And that? THAT is more important than anything in the PRESENT, PAST, or the FUTURE.
THIS IS WHY I WAS PUT ON THIS PLANET. I must embrace it. TIME LOST to my children IS NOT TIME LOSS, but CHERISHED MEMORIES that will OUTLAST MY OWN TIME ON THIS PLANET.

How Naive and selfish of me for even thinking this.

For my beautiful child Sao who's life was so short lived on this planet.
I say this: I am not behind.
I am rooted.
I’m doing the most important work there is.
And I will push further.
Harder.
And I will carry my children through the storms of my life—as far as I can take them.
I WILL push onwards, stronger, and more valiantly than ever.
It's only fair.